I don't use this blog all that much. I find it difficult to put my thoughts into words. I started using tumblr instead, for some reason it is easier to post things on it than write.
nikkigggggg.tumblr.com
If you read the blog start checking that out, because that's where I spend most of my free time now.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Rock Bottom
I haven't written in awhile, and I never thought I would be going back to the blog....but here I am.You would think I would be figuring out my issues, but I seem to be piling more on. I have just come to the conclusion that I am a terrible person. I guess I should fill everyone in on what has happened in the last 6 months.
I can't really tell you much about the summer anymore, I can't remember it. I guess the same can be said about first semester of school. I remember very few things: I talked to someone that was a huge part of my life and I made some new good friends. I never thought I would be saying that I am over my past relationship, but I have managed to forget most of it. I have finally let go! That doesn't mean I don't miss the person, but I don't let it control my life. Now for these new friends, I was properly introduced to them Halloween weekend. I remember because I was completely blown away by one of them. I would say we got pretty close over November and by December we were officially a crew.
Winter break was a complete 24/7 party binge, and I can't remember most of it other than I had the most amazing time. The only problems is we used the house I was house sitting for as the party place, and for better terms I didn't get away with it. I didn't get paid that's for sure, and I lost all trust my parents had in me. I made my mom cry for the first time. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up spending a night in jail, sometimes I wish I didn't get released.
February rolled around and my brother left for the Navy. It's been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I miss him dearly, and I wish he would come home. I probably wont see him for awhile. He broke his leg so he has to restart boot camp once it heals, so it will be 4 months before I actually hear from him. After that he gets shipped off to SC for school, he will be there 2 years. After that he will probably been in a different country, and that's not the easiest thing to know. He gets to write letters on Sundays, but they aren't long. Every time I read them he become more of a stranger, and that's something he promised me he wouldn't become. Home hasn't been the same without him. A couple weeks after he left my grandpa got really sick in the hospital and almost died. He has been recovering, but I just got a text a couple days ago that he wasn't doing so well again. It been rough, because if he doesn't make it then everyone in my mom's family will have died. My grandma, uncle and grandpa. I don't want to see my mom hurt anymore. She doesn't deserve it.
In early March on of my best friends committed suicide. I had actually been clean for a week, but when I heard the news I spiraled into a deep depression. I have been fucked up ever since. I am really bad with goodbyes aren't I? On a more serious note, I have felt completely incomplete since she has been gone. I stand in the shower and just cry. I can't sleep, because I dream about us playing soccer, and I can't handle that. Sometimes when I visit a place we spent a lot of time together, I can hear us laughing as kids. All I can think about is how I hate myself, because I didn't save her. I wish it had been me, and part me wishes I was brave enough to do the same thing. I don't deserve to be here and her not...I really miss her.
For spring break I decided it would be a great idea to go to Colorado to see one of my best friends. It has been the experience of a life time. Well, that is until my mom called saying that I was being pressed with federal charges for fraud. I got into a sketchy stuff and ended up owing people money. I have been blessed to have the charges dropped, but it has been a real eye opener for me. I have hit rock bottom officially.
There isn't a part of me that doesn't hate myself. I have caused so many problems, and I have nothing to show for it. I thought being home would help me find me, but I seem more lost than ever. I need help...every thing is not ok. I have completely lost control.
I can't really tell you much about the summer anymore, I can't remember it. I guess the same can be said about first semester of school. I remember very few things: I talked to someone that was a huge part of my life and I made some new good friends. I never thought I would be saying that I am over my past relationship, but I have managed to forget most of it. I have finally let go! That doesn't mean I don't miss the person, but I don't let it control my life. Now for these new friends, I was properly introduced to them Halloween weekend. I remember because I was completely blown away by one of them. I would say we got pretty close over November and by December we were officially a crew.
Winter break was a complete 24/7 party binge, and I can't remember most of it other than I had the most amazing time. The only problems is we used the house I was house sitting for as the party place, and for better terms I didn't get away with it. I didn't get paid that's for sure, and I lost all trust my parents had in me. I made my mom cry for the first time. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up spending a night in jail, sometimes I wish I didn't get released.
February rolled around and my brother left for the Navy. It's been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I miss him dearly, and I wish he would come home. I probably wont see him for awhile. He broke his leg so he has to restart boot camp once it heals, so it will be 4 months before I actually hear from him. After that he gets shipped off to SC for school, he will be there 2 years. After that he will probably been in a different country, and that's not the easiest thing to know. He gets to write letters on Sundays, but they aren't long. Every time I read them he become more of a stranger, and that's something he promised me he wouldn't become. Home hasn't been the same without him. A couple weeks after he left my grandpa got really sick in the hospital and almost died. He has been recovering, but I just got a text a couple days ago that he wasn't doing so well again. It been rough, because if he doesn't make it then everyone in my mom's family will have died. My grandma, uncle and grandpa. I don't want to see my mom hurt anymore. She doesn't deserve it.
In early March on of my best friends committed suicide. I had actually been clean for a week, but when I heard the news I spiraled into a deep depression. I have been fucked up ever since. I am really bad with goodbyes aren't I? On a more serious note, I have felt completely incomplete since she has been gone. I stand in the shower and just cry. I can't sleep, because I dream about us playing soccer, and I can't handle that. Sometimes when I visit a place we spent a lot of time together, I can hear us laughing as kids. All I can think about is how I hate myself, because I didn't save her. I wish it had been me, and part me wishes I was brave enough to do the same thing. I don't deserve to be here and her not...I really miss her.
For spring break I decided it would be a great idea to go to Colorado to see one of my best friends. It has been the experience of a life time. Well, that is until my mom called saying that I was being pressed with federal charges for fraud. I got into a sketchy stuff and ended up owing people money. I have been blessed to have the charges dropped, but it has been a real eye opener for me. I have hit rock bottom officially.
There isn't a part of me that doesn't hate myself. I have caused so many problems, and I have nothing to show for it. I thought being home would help me find me, but I seem more lost than ever. I need help...every thing is not ok. I have completely lost control.
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