I don't use this blog all that much. I find it difficult to put my thoughts into words. I started using tumblr instead, for some reason it is easier to post things on it than write.

nikkigggggg.tumblr.com

If you read the blog start checking that out, because that's where I spend most of my free time now.

Rock Bottom

I haven't written in awhile, and I never thought I would be going back to the blog....but here I am.You would think I would be figuring out my issues, but I seem to be piling more on. I have just come to the conclusion that I am a terrible person. I guess I should fill everyone in on what has happened in the last 6 months.

I can't really tell you much about the summer anymore, I can't remember it. I guess the same can be said about first semester of school. I remember very few things: I talked to someone that was a huge part of my life and I made some new good friends. I never thought I would be saying that I am over my past relationship, but I have managed to forget most of it. I have finally let go! That doesn't mean I don't miss the person, but I don't let it control my life. Now for these new friends, I was properly introduced to them Halloween weekend. I remember because I was completely blown away by one of them. I would say we got pretty close over November and by December we were officially a crew.

Winter break was a complete 24/7 party binge, and I can't remember most of it other than I had the most amazing time. The only problems is we used the house I was house sitting for as the party place, and for better terms I didn't get away with it. I didn't get paid that's for sure, and I lost all trust my parents had in me. I made my mom cry for the first time. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up spending a night in jail, sometimes I wish I didn't get released.

February rolled around and my brother left for the Navy. It's been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I miss him dearly, and I wish he would come home. I probably wont see him for awhile. He broke his leg so he has to restart boot camp once it heals, so it will be 4 months before I actually hear from him. After that he gets shipped off to SC for school, he will be there 2 years. After that he will probably been in a different country, and that's not the easiest thing to know. He gets to write letters on Sundays, but they aren't long. Every time I read them he become more of a stranger, and that's something he promised me he wouldn't become. Home hasn't been the same without him. A couple weeks after he left my grandpa got really sick in the hospital and almost died. He has been recovering, but I just got a text a couple days ago that he wasn't doing so well again. It been rough, because if he doesn't make it then everyone in my mom's family will have died. My grandma, uncle and grandpa. I don't want to see my mom hurt anymore. She doesn't deserve it.

In early March on of my best friends committed suicide. I had actually been clean for a week, but when I heard the news I spiraled into a deep depression. I have been fucked up ever since. I am really bad with goodbyes aren't I? On a more serious note, I have felt completely incomplete since she has been gone. I stand in the shower and just cry. I can't sleep, because I dream about us playing soccer, and I can't handle that. Sometimes when I visit a place we spent a lot of time together, I can hear us laughing as kids. All I can think about is how I hate myself, because I didn't save her. I wish it had been me, and part me wishes I was brave enough to do the same thing. I don't deserve to be here and her not...I really miss her.

For spring break I decided it would be a great idea to go to Colorado to see one of my best friends. It has been the experience of a life time. Well, that is until my mom called saying that I was being pressed with federal charges for fraud. I got into a sketchy stuff and ended up owing people money. I have been blessed to have the charges dropped, but it has been a real eye opener for me. I have hit rock bottom officially.

There isn't a part of me that doesn't hate myself. I have caused so many problems, and I have nothing to show for it. I thought being home would help me find me, but I seem more lost than ever. I need help...every thing is not ok. I have completely lost control.

Fuck This.

fuck this, fuck you, fuck life.


done.

Understanding the Unknown

Early this morning someone that was just released died. I didn't know them to well, they were getting out when I was just getting started. This person has had a bigger impact on me today then some of the people I have known my whole life.

This person was a doctor, a respected doctor. This person saved people, healed people. This person was a hero.

He had used heroin as a coping mechanism with the stress of his job. He had been an addict for some time I hear and had been in rehab for over a year. It took him a couple years to "recover" and just a couple days to fall back into old habits.

This person has made me realize that this battle is never ending. I don't get to be "cured" and walk away never worrying about it again. No, this is a recovery that will last a life time. It will take years to gain the strength to be sober, but it will only take one day to give in to tempation. One day to ruin everything I had worked so hard to accomplish. One day to change my life.

I didn't personally know this person, but I felt I understood them better than I had ever understood someone. This person was, this person is me in a different body.  This person is everyone fighting an addiction. We are all the same.

Skyscraper

This week was my first week of outpatient. Maybe I should say this week was my first week of torture. My parents say I am lucky it is outpatient, but I guess we see differently. I would be in inpatient, but my parents want me to finish up my summer classes at the local community college. My therapist, at the clinic, wants me to journal since I am "unresponsive" during sessions. To be honest, if that cloud of blackmail (inpatient) wasn't over my head I would just write:

 "FUCK REHAB. I think this is stupid, I think you are stupid. You can suck a fat one for all I care. Give up now, this is who I am. I am not changing."

So let's start at the beginning. I go to outpatient every day of the week from the butt crack of dawn till 6 or 7 each night. There is a lot of stuff going on each day, but my day consist of sitting in a chair starring through the person looking back at me. I don't say a word and I don't listen to a word. That's why my therapist says I am "unresponsive". Truth be told, I used to trust people but times change. People change. Now I believe in every man for themselves and survival of the fittest. When you open up to someone, you run the chance of getting hurt. Being numb is better, being high is better.

Continuing on, when I leave the clinic I am either dropped off at the community college or taken home. Most of the time I rather go to school. There are people there...normal people. If I go home I do my homework, or pretend to be doing homework, just so I can be left alone. By the time everyone goes to sleep waves of uncontrollable emotions are crashing down. Typically anger or sadness. If I am lucky I can find someone to deliver some Molly or Coke. The only down side is I have been caught a couple times. They are saying if I keep failing my daily drug test I wont be allowed to leave. I am not going to live there, I rather run away.

Since I haven't had much contact with the outside world, my "best friends" are hard to come by. I have already been feeling the effects. I am always moody and I feel sick all the time. It's almost as if my body is punishing me for not giving them treats like I used too. Fighting this is impossible. My body, my mind are set on what they want. Drugs. One of the hardest things to deal with sober are the emotions. I am not longer numb. Not only am I not numb, but I am alone.

My best friend lives 500 miles away. Texting and calling someone are great, but knowing they can't truly do anything is difficult. Here at home, I am alone. I have friends. Well, I wouldn't actually call them friends, just people that all want the same thing: to get high. I don't have that person to go to anymore, or to encourage me to do the right thing. I lost all of those people when I lost myself. Don't get me wrong, family is great, but there is something about knowing this person isn't forced to be there. They don't have to care, but they do.

So maybe my first journal should say:

" I want a friend. I want a friend that cares about me. I want to be good enough for someone to stick around."

Song of the week for me is Demi Lovato - Skyscraper

MY NEW BEST FRIENDS

Before I can begin to explain my story, or even document anything, I have to introduce you to my new best friends I made this summer. They need me and I need them. Well I need them...a lot. My best friends are broken into two catagories "uppers" and "downers". I personally like my "upper" friends better than my "downer" friends. However, occationally its nice to have some one on one time with the "downers".

Uppers are drugs that make you feel, well....up! You are energetic, heart racing at 90 miles per hour, and  you just want more more more. I like uppers so much because sometimes it hard to know what's going on, and you don't give a fuck about anything. Except maybe how you are feeling, which should be amazing if you got the connections. You feel all warm inside and there is nothing you can't do.When you are on uppers, you feel like you are living in a different world. Everything is perfect, everything is ok.

Downers are the exact opposite, they calm you, make you feel loosey goosey. There is nothing better to take if you want to "forget the night", or any of your issues for that matter, than a downer. My saying for downers is: "They get you fucked up fast, and you wont remember the past." With downers there really isn't a come down, you are just high then you aren't (this is just my personal experience). The biggest difference between downers and uppers is that downers you just want to chill and stay in place while you enjoy the high. While with uppers you just want to go crazy, and that will make your high experience more enjoyable.

Now lets talk a little more about my best friends, and start giving names for each groups. These are not all the drugs, just the ones I prefer to use.

Downers:

• Marijuana - These lovely herb is one of the most popular drugs in America and one of the most well known. I personally HATE smoking it, it burns my throat when I take a hit and I hate the taste of weed (yes, I know I am the first person you have ever heard of not liking the taste). However, I did find something called liquid dro! This is the most amazing thing I have ever tried. It is everclear and pure THC. The Everclear is just there to help extract the THC, and it helps with the taste. All you need is just 10 droppers and you are STONED. The type of stoned where you can't remember shit the next day, but while you are high you feel amazing. This $40 a bottle purchase can last you a day to a couple depending on your tolerance. 
• Bars- These pills are the most amazing pills I have EVER had. They have the exact same effects as alcohol without the hangover, and you can't remember shit the next morning. Literally, you remember popping a couple then waking up the next day saying "WTF happened last night?!". Bars are typically perscribed to people with anxiety issues, and it doesn't take much to get the job done. Around Austin the easiest bars to get your hand on are "Hulks" which are little green rectangles. Hulks are 1mg and you only need 1 to feel it and 2 to be passed out. For only $5 you can get yourself a Hulk and have the best night of your life.

 Uppers:

• Ecsasty- If there is one drug that will have you feeling great for a couple hours it is Ecsasty. In Austin it is easiest to find the "Ninja Stars" floating around. There are two colors I know of the Pink Ninja Stars and the Orange Ninja Stars. They are both ecsasty, but they are a little different. Pink Ninja Stars are more MDMA based than speed based, and Orange Ninja Stars are more speed based than MDMA based. I perfer the Orange ones over the pink one, just because they work better in my opintion. You can take these lovely creations three ways: snorting it (it burns but it hits you faster), swallowing it, (your roll will last the longest) or plugging it (sticking it up your butt). When you are rolling (high on ecsasty) your 5 senses are 10x more sensitive. Lights look completely different, brighter and bigger. Everything feels amazing on your skin, and when you hear music you just want to start dancing. It only takes about two tabs to roll face and it will last 5 to 6 hours long. For only $10 you can get yourself a tab and have the most amazing time of your life.
• Molly- This little drug is by far my favorite. Molly is the purest form of MDMA you can get. It is a fine powder that can be snorted or swallowed. I prefer to swallow it, because I roll longer. Molly is just like rolls/tabs only it doesn't take as much to roll. However, your roll is 2x to 5x more powerful and longer. Good Molly is hard to find and when you find it you buy as much as you can then. One point of Molly will make you roll, but typically I start of with .2 then take a couple more points when my high begins to wear off. It only cost $10-$15 a point, and this drug will have you wanting more.
• Cocaine-This is by far the most addicting drug I have taken. That fine powered, so expencive but so good. It only takes a tiny bump to feel your nose start to tingle then go numb. The best thing about this drug is as you snort, your nose gets numb then when the drip (goes down your throat) hit your throat and mouth go numb as well. This is the perfect drug to take when you want to be numb physically but alive mentally. This drug keeps you going, however, it doesn't last long. Typically you peak rather fast and stay at that peak for 20-35 minutes before you start coming down. Which is why you have to make sure you buy a lot so it will last you all day. Typically a gram will last an hour to two hours, but it goes by fast. This amazing drug only cost $40 for a gram, and it will be the best purchase of your life.

Now that you know my best friends, when I refer to them and the challenge ahead of me you will know a little about each drug. I don't know what the future holds for me, and I am really scared. I don't have a lot of clean people I can lean on, but I hope that the people in my life can be a positive influence and help me overcome my addiction.

Stitch By Stitch

Every new year brings surprises, this one brought the best of both worlds for me. Most of this year, so far, has lead me to finally face my biggest challenge: myself. The hardest thing I have found is trying to figure out what exactly I am fighting within myself. I have always known something didn't quite click for me, but I never stopped to look in the mirror. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom this year, most of it spent in a shower....not like that. I was in the shower, because I didn't want anyone to see my tears, I wanted them gone as fast as they appeared. Maybe, if they were washed away by the water they wouldn't be there at all. So I spent a lot of time in front of a mirror when I got out. I saw myself, but I, also, saw someone broken. Someone full of so much hate and sadness.

Three years ago, I found someone that saw what I couldn't see until now, and we immediately had an unspoken connection. We were so different, but inside we were the same...broken. While my pain was more obvious, she was able to express herself in ways I couldn't. She knew what the source was, while I had no reason. I spent a lot of time lying about events, trying to match what happened with how I felt inside. I spent so much time wanting to just be done, until I found something to help express how I felt. Music.

When I used to try and express myself, I ended up in more pieces or biting my tongue in rage. I couldn't do it without ending up worse. Now I just listen to whatever song I am craving, and just let my emotions take over. Typically how I am feeling relates to the song, acting almost as guidance to how I should be feeling. Not only have I found some amazing new songs, but I have found myself. Music makes me uncover parts of myself I have tried to hide.

I came across this new song "Stitch by Stitch" while watching The Voice yesterday. I was watching it on Hulu downstairs in the computer room late at night, and as soon as it was over I knew this was my theme song from the last three years. It was perfect. I, finally, knew what I was fighting, I knew why I was broken. It is me. I am the source of my unhappiness, I am the reason I was full of hate, I am the reason I pushed everything important away.

I have spent the last three years expecting this person I loved to take care of me, expecting to be fixed every time I was in pieces. I excepted....not asked, not hoped. I was so obsessed with being fixed by someone else, instead of being fixed by myself. Instead of learning what made me happy, what kept me whole. The source of my sadness is not repressed memories, it isn't biological, it is my fear to change. My fear to become the person I want to be, the fear of failure. So I would sit back and pray that someone will come "fix" me, and they can make the person I want to be.

This summer, I have spent a lot of time heading in the wrong direction. Instead of using my pain as motivation to change, I have been using it as an excuse to mope in self-pity. I took it as an excuse to get as messed up as I could, to just forget....to fill up that missing piece. I have turned into the person I fear most, because I am to scared to fail. But through music I have found the strength to face my fears. Through music I have found the strength to find happiness.

This is my promise to my parents, to my friends, to my brothers, to someone I took advantage of, to myself. A promise to allow myself to feel, to become the best that I can be, to work for something...for myself. A promise to no longer expect to be fixed, but to fix myself. To no longer live through other people, or with the help of certain things. A promise to find and improve the person everyone used to love. I am willing to accept failure so I can find success after. I promise to be whole again, to be me.