Stitch By Stitch

Every new year brings surprises, this one brought the best of both worlds for me. Most of this year, so far, has lead me to finally face my biggest challenge: myself. The hardest thing I have found is trying to figure out what exactly I am fighting within myself. I have always known something didn't quite click for me, but I never stopped to look in the mirror. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom this year, most of it spent in a shower....not like that. I was in the shower, because I didn't want anyone to see my tears, I wanted them gone as fast as they appeared. Maybe, if they were washed away by the water they wouldn't be there at all. So I spent a lot of time in front of a mirror when I got out. I saw myself, but I, also, saw someone broken. Someone full of so much hate and sadness.

Three years ago, I found someone that saw what I couldn't see until now, and we immediately had an unspoken connection. We were so different, but inside we were the same...broken. While my pain was more obvious, she was able to express herself in ways I couldn't. She knew what the source was, while I had no reason. I spent a lot of time lying about events, trying to match what happened with how I felt inside. I spent so much time wanting to just be done, until I found something to help express how I felt. Music.

When I used to try and express myself, I ended up in more pieces or biting my tongue in rage. I couldn't do it without ending up worse. Now I just listen to whatever song I am craving, and just let my emotions take over. Typically how I am feeling relates to the song, acting almost as guidance to how I should be feeling. Not only have I found some amazing new songs, but I have found myself. Music makes me uncover parts of myself I have tried to hide.

I came across this new song "Stitch by Stitch" while watching The Voice yesterday. I was watching it on Hulu downstairs in the computer room late at night, and as soon as it was over I knew this was my theme song from the last three years. It was perfect. I, finally, knew what I was fighting, I knew why I was broken. It is me. I am the source of my unhappiness, I am the reason I was full of hate, I am the reason I pushed everything important away.

I have spent the last three years expecting this person I loved to take care of me, expecting to be fixed every time I was in pieces. I excepted....not asked, not hoped. I was so obsessed with being fixed by someone else, instead of being fixed by myself. Instead of learning what made me happy, what kept me whole. The source of my sadness is not repressed memories, it isn't biological, it is my fear to change. My fear to become the person I want to be, the fear of failure. So I would sit back and pray that someone will come "fix" me, and they can make the person I want to be.

This summer, I have spent a lot of time heading in the wrong direction. Instead of using my pain as motivation to change, I have been using it as an excuse to mope in self-pity. I took it as an excuse to get as messed up as I could, to just forget....to fill up that missing piece. I have turned into the person I fear most, because I am to scared to fail. But through music I have found the strength to face my fears. Through music I have found the strength to find happiness.

This is my promise to my parents, to my friends, to my brothers, to someone I took advantage of, to myself. A promise to allow myself to feel, to become the best that I can be, to work for something...for myself. A promise to no longer expect to be fixed, but to fix myself. To no longer live through other people, or with the help of certain things. A promise to find and improve the person everyone used to love. I am willing to accept failure so I can find success after. I promise to be whole again, to be me.