Regrets

Recently I went through a lot of changes, and I have been trying to change myself. A couple of weeks ago my mom told me the doctors found some lumps in her breast and they thought it was cancer. I tried to forget about it and pretend like it wasn't real. Then she went to the doctor for her yearly check up and got more bad news. He informed her there was a good chance she would die around the age my grandma (55) if she didn't start losing weight. Those two piece of news were over kill for me, so I did what I do best I shut down. Last week my best friend and I decided maybe our friendship was hurting us more than helping us, only to wake up to a text from my mom the next morning telling me my aunt passed away. All of this news had made me really want to just get everything I have been holding in off my chest. I have been holding in a lot of things I am not proud of and building a lot anger, and I am ready to forgive myself and apologize to someone else.

I AM A LIAR. I met this really wonderful person in an unfortunate situation sophomore year. I knew something wasn't right because she wouldn't eat, and we got really close towards the end of school. She told me secret from her past, and I exchanged one of mine. I had found someone that understood and didn't judge me. But as time went on my truth turned into a little lie. Then a bigger lie, until it was one huge messed up lie. I was lying to cover up for other lies, just drowning in lies. When she found out, I knew I had lost her trust forever. I never really stopped to think about how much it hurt her, not just because I lied about my life, but I was lying about a deep connection we shared. Even after she found out I continued to lie, not caring how much I had already hurt her. I kept promising I would never lie again and then breaking the promise, and I never really apologized to her or forgave myself. So this is my apology. I am sorry that I thought I had to pretend to be someone else just so you would share that connection with me. I am sorry I never told you, and you had to find out the way you did. I am sorry I never kept my promise, and I never respected you enough to quit. Lasting I am sorry I hurt you, I never meant for that to happen, and I understand now that its time to change that.

I AM IMPULSIVE. I never think out what I am going to do or say. I haven't seen until now the pain it has caused me and so many others. I got arrested all because I wanted to go watch the stars with someone. Not only did I sneak out, but I lied to the police officer. I did two things wrong, because I wasn't thinking. That whole situation blew up in my face and created a whole new situation that would never resolve. Next, I didn't choose my words so wisely with someones mom. I was mad for being treated poorly by her, and resolved to creating a never ending a war. The only person it really ended up hurting was the person I was trying to protect. Lastly, over the Summer I had my heart broken by someone I never thought would hurt me. Something inside me snapped, and all I wanted to do was hurt her the way she hurt me. All I ended up doing is driving us further apart, and leaving her on her own. So this is my apology to all the people I hurt because of my impulses.

•  I am sorry for being an ass. I should have turned the other cheek instead of fighting fire with fire. You were right, I am a bad influence, but that doesn't mean I wasn't trying to change. I caused your family a lot of pain, and I never apologized for this. I never told you a lot of things I should have, and I shouldn't have been putting ? in the middle. I am sorry I didn't give you the respect you deserve, adn I am sorry for not trying harder to make peace. 

•  I ruined everything about us because I couldn't just think. I never really stepped back to see that my fighting with your mom was only making it worse for you. I created a lot of unneeded drama between you and you family because I couldn't swallow my pride. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you. About summer, your right it was all me. I should have given you space while you were trying to heal. I wasn't being supportive while you were trying to recover, instead I was bringing you down and that's not cool. I can't take back anything, but I can learn from it. I don't want to hurt you anymore, and its hard to know I realized this to late. I am going to change, or work on it, because I made a promise to you that I would. Friends or not I want to follow through. I am sorry, really sorry. 

I have a lot of things I need to work on. But I need to forgive myself for the something I have never been able to do. I need to stop blaming myself for you getting worse. I need to stop blaming myself for your family issues blowing up. I need to stop blaming myself for ruining your issues with your mom. I need to stop blaming myself for you never getting better. And I need to stop blaming myself for not trying hard enough. I am sorry I never told your mom, I am sorry I didn't just stay home that night, I am sorry I said what I did to your mom, and I am really really sorry I couldn't make you better. Ever since you left I have never been able to stop blaming myself for not fixing you, for not making you better. I am sorry I wasn't there for you, and I am not there for you now. I am sorry.

I am sorry I couldn't say all this sooner. I am ready to let go and move forward, and I think that's what you want. I wish I could have done it sooner.

I miss you and I am sorry. I will never let you fall, and I will never give up because this is worth fighting for. I am going to change, and when I do I want to try this again.