fuck this, fuck you, fuck life.
done.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Understanding the Unknown
Early this morning someone that was just released died. I didn't know them to well, they were getting out when I was just getting started. This person has had a bigger impact on me today then some of the people I have known my whole life.
He had used heroin as a coping mechanism with the stress of his job. He had been an addict for some time I hear and had been in rehab for over a year. It took him a couple years to "recover" and just a couple days to fall back into old habits.
This person has made me realize that this battle is never ending. I don't get to be "cured" and walk away never worrying about it again. No, this is a recovery that will last a life time. It will take years to gain the strength to be sober, but it will only take one day to give in to tempation. One day to ruin everything I had worked so hard to accomplish. One day to change my life.
This person was a doctor, a respected doctor. This person saved people, healed people. This person was a hero.
He had used heroin as a coping mechanism with the stress of his job. He had been an addict for some time I hear and had been in rehab for over a year. It took him a couple years to "recover" and just a couple days to fall back into old habits.
This person has made me realize that this battle is never ending. I don't get to be "cured" and walk away never worrying about it again. No, this is a recovery that will last a life time. It will take years to gain the strength to be sober, but it will only take one day to give in to tempation. One day to ruin everything I had worked so hard to accomplish. One day to change my life.
I didn't personally know this person, but I felt I understood them better than I had ever understood someone. This person was, this person is me in a different body. This person is everyone fighting an addiction. We are all the same.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Skyscraper
This week was my first week of outpatient. Maybe I should say this week was my first week of torture. My parents say I am lucky it is outpatient, but I guess we see differently. I would be in inpatient, but my parents want me to finish up my summer classes at the local community college. My therapist, at the clinic, wants me to journal since I am "unresponsive" during sessions. To be honest, if that cloud of blackmail (inpatient) wasn't over my head I would just write:
"FUCK REHAB. I think this is stupid, I think you are stupid. You can suck a fat one for all I care. Give up now, this is who I am. I am not changing."
So let's start at the beginning. I go to outpatient every day of the week from the butt crack of dawn till 6 or 7 each night. There is a lot of stuff going on each day, but my day consist of sitting in a chair starring through the person looking back at me. I don't say a word and I don't listen to a word. That's why my therapist says I am "unresponsive". Truth be told, I used to trust people but times change. People change. Now I believe in every man for themselves and survival of the fittest. When you open up to someone, you run the chance of getting hurt. Being numb is better, being high is better.
Continuing on, when I leave the clinic I am either dropped off at the community college or taken home. Most of the time I rather go to school. There are people there...normal people. If I go home I do my homework, or pretend to be doing homework, just so I can be left alone. By the time everyone goes to sleep waves of uncontrollable emotions are crashing down. Typically anger or sadness. If I am lucky I can find someone to deliver some Molly or Coke. The only down side is I have been caught a couple times. They are saying if I keep failing my daily drug test I wont be allowed to leave. I am not going to live there, I rather run away.
Since I haven't had much contact with the outside world, my "best friends" are hard to come by. I have already been feeling the effects. I am always moody and I feel sick all the time. It's almost as if my body is punishing me for not giving them treats like I used too. Fighting this is impossible. My body, my mind are set on what they want. Drugs. One of the hardest things to deal with sober are the emotions. I am not longer numb. Not only am I not numb, but I am alone.
My best friend lives 500 miles away. Texting and calling someone are great, but knowing they can't truly do anything is difficult. Here at home, I am alone. I have friends. Well, I wouldn't actually call them friends, just people that all want the same thing: to get high. I don't have that person to go to anymore, or to encourage me to do the right thing. I lost all of those people when I lost myself. Don't get me wrong, family is great, but there is something about knowing this person isn't forced to be there. They don't have to care, but they do.
So maybe my first journal should say:
" I want a friend. I want a friend that cares about me. I want to be good enough for someone to stick around."
Song of the week for me is Demi Lovato - Skyscraper
Friday, July 8, 2011
MY NEW BEST FRIENDS
Before I can begin to explain my story, or even document anything, I have to introduce you to my new best friends I made this summer. They need me and I need them. Well I need them...a lot. My best friends are broken into two catagories "uppers" and "downers". I personally like my "upper" friends better than my "downer" friends. However, occationally its nice to have some one on one time with the "downers".
Uppers are drugs that make you feel, well....up! You are energetic, heart racing at 90 miles per hour, and you just want more more more. I like uppers so much because sometimes it hard to know what's going on, and you don't give a fuck about anything. Except maybe how you are feeling, which should be amazing if you got the connections. You feel all warm inside and there is nothing you can't do.When you are on uppers, you feel like you are living in a different world. Everything is perfect, everything is ok.
Downers are the exact opposite, they calm you, make you feel loosey goosey. There is nothing better to take if you want to "forget the night", or any of your issues for that matter, than a downer. My saying for downers is: "They get you fucked up fast, and you wont remember the past." With downers there really isn't a come down, you are just high then you aren't (this is just my personal experience). The biggest difference between downers and uppers is that downers you just want to chill and stay in place while you enjoy the high. While with uppers you just want to go crazy, and that will make your high experience more enjoyable.
Now lets talk a little more about my best friends, and start giving names for each groups. These are not all the drugs, just the ones I prefer to use.
Downers:
Uppers are drugs that make you feel, well....up! You are energetic, heart racing at 90 miles per hour, and you just want more more more. I like uppers so much because sometimes it hard to know what's going on, and you don't give a fuck about anything. Except maybe how you are feeling, which should be amazing if you got the connections. You feel all warm inside and there is nothing you can't do.When you are on uppers, you feel like you are living in a different world. Everything is perfect, everything is ok.
Downers are the exact opposite, they calm you, make you feel loosey goosey. There is nothing better to take if you want to "forget the night", or any of your issues for that matter, than a downer. My saying for downers is: "They get you fucked up fast, and you wont remember the past." With downers there really isn't a come down, you are just high then you aren't (this is just my personal experience). The biggest difference between downers and uppers is that downers you just want to chill and stay in place while you enjoy the high. While with uppers you just want to go crazy, and that will make your high experience more enjoyable.
Now lets talk a little more about my best friends, and start giving names for each groups. These are not all the drugs, just the ones I prefer to use.
Downers:
Marijuana - These lovely herb is one of the most popular drugs in America and one of the most well known. I personally HATE smoking it, it burns my throat when I take a hit and I hate the taste of weed (yes, I know I am the first person you have ever heard of not liking the taste). However, I did find something called liquid dro! This is the most amazing thing I have ever tried. It is everclear and pure THC. The Everclear is just there to help extract the THC, and it helps with the taste. All you need is just 10 droppers and you are STONED. The type of stoned where you can't remember shit the next day, but while you are high you feel amazing. This $40 a bottle purchase can last you a day to a couple depending on your tolerance.
Bars- These pills are the most amazing pills I have EVER had. They have the exact same effects as alcohol without the hangover, and you can't remember shit the next morning. Literally, you remember popping a couple then waking up the next day saying "WTF happened last night?!". Bars are typically perscribed to people with anxiety issues, and it doesn't take much to get the job done. Around Austin the easiest bars to get your hand on are "Hulks" which are little green rectangles. Hulks are 1mg and you only need 1 to feel it and 2 to be passed out. For only $5 you can get yourself a Hulk and have the best night of your life.
Ecsasty- If there is one drug that will have you feeling great for a couple hours it is Ecsasty. In Austin it is easiest to find the "Ninja Stars" floating around. There are two colors I know of the Pink Ninja Stars and the Orange Ninja Stars. They are both ecsasty, but they are a little different. Pink Ninja Stars are more MDMA based than speed based, and Orange Ninja Stars are more speed based than MDMA based. I perfer the Orange ones over the pink one, just because they work better in my opintion. You can take these lovely creations three ways: snorting it (it burns but it hits you faster), swallowing it, (your roll will last the longest) or plugging it (sticking it up your butt). When you are rolling (high on ecsasty) your 5 senses are 10x more sensitive. Lights look completely different, brighter and bigger. Everything feels amazing on your skin, and when you hear music you just want to start dancing. It only takes about two tabs to roll face and it will last 5 to 6 hours long. For only $10 you can get yourself a tab and have the most amazing time of your life.
Molly- This little drug is by far my favorite. Molly is the purest form of MDMA you can get. It is a fine powder that can be snorted or swallowed. I prefer to swallow it, because I roll longer. Molly is just like rolls/tabs only it doesn't take as much to roll. However, your roll is 2x to 5x more powerful and longer. Good Molly is hard to find and when you find it you buy as much as you can then. One point of Molly will make you roll, but typically I start of with .2 then take a couple more points when my high begins to wear off. It only cost $10-$15 a point, and this drug will have you wanting more.
Cocaine-This is by far the most addicting drug I have taken. That fine powered, so expencive but so good. It only takes a tiny bump to feel your nose start to tingle then go numb. The best thing about this drug is as you snort, your nose gets numb then when the drip (goes down your throat) hit your throat and mouth go numb as well. This is the perfect drug to take when you want to be numb physically but alive mentally. This drug keeps you going, however, it doesn't last long. Typically you peak rather fast and stay at that peak for 20-35 minutes before you start coming down. Which is why you have to make sure you buy a lot so it will last you all day. Typically a gram will last an hour to two hours, but it goes by fast. This amazing drug only cost $40 for a gram, and it will be the best purchase of your life.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Stitch By Stitch
Every new year brings surprises, this one brought the best of both worlds for me. Most of this year, so far, has lead me to finally face my biggest challenge: myself. The hardest thing I have found is trying to figure out what exactly I am fighting within myself. I have always known something didn't quite click for me, but I never stopped to look in the mirror. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom this year, most of it spent in a shower....not like that. I was in the shower, because I didn't want anyone to see my tears, I wanted them gone as fast as they appeared. Maybe, if they were washed away by the water they wouldn't be there at all. So I spent a lot of time in front of a mirror when I got out. I saw myself, but I, also, saw someone broken. Someone full of so much hate and sadness.
Three years ago, I found someone that saw what I couldn't see until now, and we immediately had an unspoken connection. We were so different, but inside we were the same...broken. While my pain was more obvious, she was able to express herself in ways I couldn't. She knew what the source was, while I had no reason. I spent a lot of time lying about events, trying to match what happened with how I felt inside. I spent so much time wanting to just be done, until I found something to help express how I felt. Music.
When I used to try and express myself, I ended up in more pieces or biting my tongue in rage. I couldn't do it without ending up worse. Now I just listen to whatever song I am craving, and just let my emotions take over. Typically how I am feeling relates to the song, acting almost as guidance to how I should be feeling. Not only have I found some amazing new songs, but I have found myself. Music makes me uncover parts of myself I have tried to hide.
I came across this new song "Stitch by Stitch" while watching The Voice yesterday. I was watching it on Hulu downstairs in the computer room late at night, and as soon as it was over I knew this was my theme song from the last three years. It was perfect. I, finally, knew what I was fighting, I knew why I was broken. It is me. I am the source of my unhappiness, I am the reason I was full of hate, I am the reason I pushed everything important away.
I have spent the last three years expecting this person I loved to take care of me, expecting to be fixed every time I was in pieces. I excepted....not asked, not hoped. I was so obsessed with being fixed by someone else, instead of being fixed by myself. Instead of learning what made me happy, what kept me whole. The source of my sadness is not repressed memories, it isn't biological, it is my fear to change. My fear to become the person I want to be, the fear of failure. So I would sit back and pray that someone will come "fix" me, and they can make the person I want to be.
This summer, I have spent a lot of time heading in the wrong direction. Instead of using my pain as motivation to change, I have been using it as an excuse to mope in self-pity. I took it as an excuse to get as messed up as I could, to just forget....to fill up that missing piece. I have turned into the person I fear most, because I am to scared to fail. But through music I have found the strength to face my fears. Through music I have found the strength to find happiness.
This is my promise to my parents, to my friends, to my brothers, to someone I took advantage of, to myself. A promise to allow myself to feel, to become the best that I can be, to work for something...for myself. A promise to no longer expect to be fixed, but to fix myself. To no longer live through other people, or with the help of certain things. A promise to find and improve the person everyone used to love. I am willing to accept failure so I can find success after. I promise to be whole again, to be me.
Three years ago, I found someone that saw what I couldn't see until now, and we immediately had an unspoken connection. We were so different, but inside we were the same...broken. While my pain was more obvious, she was able to express herself in ways I couldn't. She knew what the source was, while I had no reason. I spent a lot of time lying about events, trying to match what happened with how I felt inside. I spent so much time wanting to just be done, until I found something to help express how I felt. Music.
When I used to try and express myself, I ended up in more pieces or biting my tongue in rage. I couldn't do it without ending up worse. Now I just listen to whatever song I am craving, and just let my emotions take over. Typically how I am feeling relates to the song, acting almost as guidance to how I should be feeling. Not only have I found some amazing new songs, but I have found myself. Music makes me uncover parts of myself I have tried to hide.
I came across this new song "Stitch by Stitch" while watching The Voice yesterday. I was watching it on Hulu downstairs in the computer room late at night, and as soon as it was over I knew this was my theme song from the last three years. It was perfect. I, finally, knew what I was fighting, I knew why I was broken. It is me. I am the source of my unhappiness, I am the reason I was full of hate, I am the reason I pushed everything important away.
I have spent the last three years expecting this person I loved to take care of me, expecting to be fixed every time I was in pieces. I excepted....not asked, not hoped. I was so obsessed with being fixed by someone else, instead of being fixed by myself. Instead of learning what made me happy, what kept me whole. The source of my sadness is not repressed memories, it isn't biological, it is my fear to change. My fear to become the person I want to be, the fear of failure. So I would sit back and pray that someone will come "fix" me, and they can make the person I want to be.
This summer, I have spent a lot of time heading in the wrong direction. Instead of using my pain as motivation to change, I have been using it as an excuse to mope in self-pity. I took it as an excuse to get as messed up as I could, to just forget....to fill up that missing piece. I have turned into the person I fear most, because I am to scared to fail. But through music I have found the strength to face my fears. Through music I have found the strength to find happiness.
This is my promise to my parents, to my friends, to my brothers, to someone I took advantage of, to myself. A promise to allow myself to feel, to become the best that I can be, to work for something...for myself. A promise to no longer expect to be fixed, but to fix myself. To no longer live through other people, or with the help of certain things. A promise to find and improve the person everyone used to love. I am willing to accept failure so I can find success after. I promise to be whole again, to be me.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Regrets
Recently I went through a lot of changes, and I have been trying to change myself. A couple of weeks ago my mom told me the doctors found some lumps in her breast and they thought it was cancer. I tried to forget about it and pretend like it wasn't real. Then she went to the doctor for her yearly check up and got more bad news. He informed her there was a good chance she would die around the age my grandma (55) if she didn't start losing weight. Those two piece of news were over kill for me, so I did what I do best I shut down. Last week my best friend and I decided maybe our friendship was hurting us more than helping us, only to wake up to a text from my mom the next morning telling me my aunt passed away. All of this news had made me really want to just get everything I have been holding in off my chest. I have been holding in a lot of things I am not proud of and building a lot anger, and I am ready to forgive myself and apologize to someone else.
I AM A LIAR. I met this really wonderful person in an unfortunate situation sophomore year. I knew something wasn't right because she wouldn't eat, and we got really close towards the end of school. She told me secret from her past, and I exchanged one of mine. I had found someone that understood and didn't judge me. But as time went on my truth turned into a little lie. Then a bigger lie, until it was one huge messed up lie. I was lying to cover up for other lies, just drowning in lies. When she found out, I knew I had lost her trust forever. I never really stopped to think about how much it hurt her, not just because I lied about my life, but I was lying about a deep connection we shared. Even after she found out I continued to lie, not caring how much I had already hurt her. I kept promising I would never lie again and then breaking the promise, and I never really apologized to her or forgave myself. So this is my apology. I am sorry that I thought I had to pretend to be someone else just so you would share that connection with me. I am sorry I never told you, and you had to find out the way you did. I am sorry I never kept my promise, and I never respected you enough to quit. Lasting I am sorry I hurt you, I never meant for that to happen, and I understand now that its time to change that.
I AM IMPULSIVE. I never think out what I am going to do or say. I haven't seen until now the pain it has caused me and so many others. I got arrested all because I wanted to go watch the stars with someone. Not only did I sneak out, but I lied to the police officer. I did two things wrong, because I wasn't thinking. That whole situation blew up in my face and created a whole new situation that would never resolve. Next, I didn't choose my words so wisely with someones mom. I was mad for being treated poorly by her, and resolved to creating a never ending a war. The only person it really ended up hurting was the person I was trying to protect. Lastly, over the Summer I had my heart broken by someone I never thought would hurt me. Something inside me snapped, and all I wanted to do was hurt her the way she hurt me. All I ended up doing is driving us further apart, and leaving her on her own. So this is my apology to all the people I hurt because of my impulses.
I have a lot of things I need to work on. But I need to forgive myself for the something I have never been able to do. I need to stop blaming myself for you getting worse. I need to stop blaming myself for your family issues blowing up. I need to stop blaming myself for ruining your issues with your mom. I need to stop blaming myself for you never getting better. And I need to stop blaming myself for not trying hard enough. I am sorry I never told your mom, I am sorry I didn't just stay home that night, I am sorry I said what I did to your mom, and I am really really sorry I couldn't make you better. Ever since you left I have never been able to stop blaming myself for not fixing you, for not making you better. I am sorry I wasn't there for you, and I am not there for you now. I am sorry.
I am sorry I couldn't say all this sooner. I am ready to let go and move forward, and I think that's what you want. I wish I could have done it sooner.
I miss you and I am sorry. I will never let you fall, and I will never give up because this is worth fighting for. I am going to change, and when I do I want to try this again.
I AM A LIAR. I met this really wonderful person in an unfortunate situation sophomore year. I knew something wasn't right because she wouldn't eat, and we got really close towards the end of school. She told me secret from her past, and I exchanged one of mine. I had found someone that understood and didn't judge me. But as time went on my truth turned into a little lie. Then a bigger lie, until it was one huge messed up lie. I was lying to cover up for other lies, just drowning in lies. When she found out, I knew I had lost her trust forever. I never really stopped to think about how much it hurt her, not just because I lied about my life, but I was lying about a deep connection we shared. Even after she found out I continued to lie, not caring how much I had already hurt her. I kept promising I would never lie again and then breaking the promise, and I never really apologized to her or forgave myself. So this is my apology. I am sorry that I thought I had to pretend to be someone else just so you would share that connection with me. I am sorry I never told you, and you had to find out the way you did. I am sorry I never kept my promise, and I never respected you enough to quit. Lasting I am sorry I hurt you, I never meant for that to happen, and I understand now that its time to change that.
I AM IMPULSIVE. I never think out what I am going to do or say. I haven't seen until now the pain it has caused me and so many others. I got arrested all because I wanted to go watch the stars with someone. Not only did I sneak out, but I lied to the police officer. I did two things wrong, because I wasn't thinking. That whole situation blew up in my face and created a whole new situation that would never resolve. Next, I didn't choose my words so wisely with someones mom. I was mad for being treated poorly by her, and resolved to creating a never ending a war. The only person it really ended up hurting was the person I was trying to protect. Lastly, over the Summer I had my heart broken by someone I never thought would hurt me. Something inside me snapped, and all I wanted to do was hurt her the way she hurt me. All I ended up doing is driving us further apart, and leaving her on her own. So this is my apology to all the people I hurt because of my impulses.
- I am sorry for being an ass. I should have turned the other cheek instead of fighting fire with fire. You were right, I am a bad influence, but that doesn't mean I wasn't trying to change. I caused your family a lot of pain, and I never apologized for this. I never told you a lot of things I should have, and I shouldn't have been putting ? in the middle. I am sorry I didn't give you the respect you deserve, adn I am sorry for not trying harder to make peace.
- I ruined everything about us because I couldn't just think. I never really stepped back to see that my fighting with your mom was only making it worse for you. I created a lot of unneeded drama between you and you family because I couldn't swallow my pride. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you. About summer, your right it was all me. I should have given you space while you were trying to heal. I wasn't being supportive while you were trying to recover, instead I was bringing you down and that's not cool. I can't take back anything, but I can learn from it. I don't want to hurt you anymore, and its hard to know I realized this to late. I am going to change, or work on it, because I made a promise to you that I would. Friends or not I want to follow through. I am sorry, really sorry.
I have a lot of things I need to work on. But I need to forgive myself for the something I have never been able to do. I need to stop blaming myself for you getting worse. I need to stop blaming myself for your family issues blowing up. I need to stop blaming myself for ruining your issues with your mom. I need to stop blaming myself for you never getting better. And I need to stop blaming myself for not trying hard enough. I am sorry I never told your mom, I am sorry I didn't just stay home that night, I am sorry I said what I did to your mom, and I am really really sorry I couldn't make you better. Ever since you left I have never been able to stop blaming myself for not fixing you, for not making you better. I am sorry I wasn't there for you, and I am not there for you now. I am sorry.
I am sorry I couldn't say all this sooner. I am ready to let go and move forward, and I think that's what you want. I wish I could have done it sooner.
I miss you and I am sorry. I will never let you fall, and I will never give up because this is worth fighting for. I am going to change, and when I do I want to try this again.
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